Finishing Forgiveness
3 Steps to crossing the finish line of forgiveness
Most people want to forgive, whether they find motivation in religious teachings or the proven benefits for mental and physical well-being.
So while almost everyone wants to forgive, doing forgiveness often feels like navigating a dark, unfamiliar house. We’re unsure about what to do and when we’re done doing it. We stumble around hoping somehow to find the finish line of forgiveness.
We’re actually great at starting forgiveness. We just need to learn how to finish forgiveness. It’s like saying grace before a meal without sincere feelings of gratitude. We go through the motions of forgiveness without experiencing the emotions of forgiveness.
Believe me, I know the struggle. Despite my best intentions, I've been haunted by the lingering resentment I thought I'd overcome.
Forgiveness is especially challenging when we're heartbroken. It's easy to feel isolated in our pain, but the truth is, we're not alone. Heartbreak is a universal experience. It’s the high cost of loving others. And forgiveness? That's the high price of loving again. And unless we choose a life without love, forgiveness is a skill we must learn.
1 Mercy - Legal forgiveness
The first step toward forgiveness is to do nothing. Sounds easy, right? Except doing nothing is almost impossible when the total force of our emotions is invested in doing something - like getting revenge.
But forgiveness is giving up our right to get even. Our natural instinct is to tighten our fists and seek justice. Justice gives us the right to demand an eye for an eye. That is how the wheels of justice turn. Forgiveness begins, however, when we surrender our right to revenge.
It’s not about pretending we weren’t hurt. And it’s not about acting like nothing ever happened. It’s releasing our grip on resentment. It’s making the choice to unclench our fists, both literally and figuratively, and to silence our demand for payback.
It’s extending mercy to one who has not deserved it… or even asked for it. It’s serving mercy the way we want God to bring mercy to us.
2 Love - Loving forgiveness
The first step involves extending mercy when we feel justified in seeking revenge. This second step, however, demands more. It requires us to actively love those who have caused us pain.
Remember, love is not passive. It requires action. As Bob Goff says, "Love does.” It means doing something that is in their best interests. This might involve giving a gift, offering a kind word, or helping them achieve a goal. It may feel awkward, and in some cases, anonymous acts of kindness might be necessary.
The focus here isn't on them, but on our growth. These actions prove to ourselves that we're making progress on our journey of forgiveness. And although love is more action than sentiment; when we express love outwardly, we often begin to feel it internally. When that happens, we are doing the will of Christ to “forgive… from your heart.”
In situations involving abuse, reconciliation might not be possible or safe. However, in most cases, we shouldn't shy away from reconciliation if it's possible. Reconciliation and restoration often represent the ultimate achievement of forgiveness. But even when reconciliation isn't an option, forgiveness itself remains essential.
3 Grace - Legitimate Forgiveness
Once we've shown mercy and love, we've likely fulfilled the scriptural command to forgive. But our forgiveness doesn't guarantee God's forgiveness. It simply creates space for divine justice to run its course, which may not align with our own desires.
“Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.” (Romans 12:19 NIV)
The Bible teaches us to forgive as Christ forgave. Jesus, while suffering unimaginable cruelty, prayed, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” His disciple Stephen echoed this prayer while being stoned to death.
Both Jesus and Stephen, having offered personal forgiveness, then pleaded for God to forgive their persecutors. This wasn't because their enemies deserved or requested it. They asked God to suspend His rightful justice.
I experienced this profound level of forgiveness after carrying 20 years of bitterness. I sincerely asked God not to enact justice for the wrongs I had endured. I begged Him to forgive the one who had hurt me so deeply.
The relief I felt was indescribable. It was as if a massive spiritual weight had been lifted. The miracle of forgiveness had finally become my reality.
At that moment, I knew I had crossed the finish line of forgiveness. Resentment no longer held me captive, and I found peace by following Jesus' example of true forgiveness.
Footnotes
1 - Luke 6:27
2 - Love Does: Discover a Secretly Incredible Life in an Ordinary World. May 12, 2012 by Thomas Nelson
3 - Matthew 18:35
4 - Ephesians 4:32
5 - Luke 23:34
6 - Acts 7:60